Day 2 of the great Addirol experiment. One thing that is driving me crazy is the spelling of Addirol. I've seen like half a dozen variations, and none of them look as good as the way I spell it, though some of them are from more reputable medical sources than, say, Google.
So yes, I am posting this just after the "brain off drugs" posting. I originally set out to write one really long post, and guess what? I realized about four paragraphs in that I was struggling with every word, and that I was STILL "talking around" the subject matter. I know that breaking things down into smaller chunks makes it easier for me to process (and for other people to read), but I still resist it.
I also realized that I was at the 5.5-hour mark on my Addirol dosing, which is a half hour past where I've so far noticed a steep decline in my functioning. My drug lady, Kathy, says that I'll build up more of a tolerance over time, but I hope I don't build it up too far. There is always the option of switching to Addirol XR, which releases over a 12 hour period, but Kathy suggested that I start out by self-regulating my dosage, so we can determine what I "really" need. I worried that this might be a recipe for disaster, so she gave me a limit of 3 pills a day. I've never felt addicted to anything besides caffeine, and I don't want to start now!
Speaking of caffeine, the next big challenge will be quitting, or at least severely reducing, my intake. I know that it is possible to drink coffee when on Addirol, since one of my ADHD friends (who has been helping me through this whole process by generously sharing her experiences with medication and therapy) is quite the coffee drinker. However, Elaine, my therapist, suggests that I give it up completely.
So far today I've managed to get by with only a small half-caf Starbucks, though Sbux coffee is so potent that that's still 30mg more of caffeine than you'd get from, say, Dunkin Donuts. I'll probably go to Dunkin Donuts tomorrow to see how they handle a "special order", but I'm not optimistic. While Starbucks is equipped for such things ("who had the double tall no-whip soy dirty chai with a shot of hazelnut?"), Dunks employees (and I'm generalizing here) seem to prefer to assume you want a medium regular, which here in New England translates to enough cream and sugar to give you a heart attack, never mind the caffeine.
Flash back to yesterday, Day 1:
2:45pm -
My first Addirol. I keep calling it that, but the generic is actually just called "Amphetamine", which is a great reminder about what I'm getting into for those of us who grew up on After School Specials. It's also probably not a great thing to try to get through customs on international flights; I'll definitely be holding on to my prescription sheets. I text my friend who's been helping me through all this and ask her if there's anything I should know. She just warns me not to drink coffee (I had a Vivanno a couple of hours ago, so I'm good to go for the day), and that I might sweat more than usual.
3:30pm -
Back at the office for a half hour, and I am already feeling a thousand times more productive. I wonder if it's a placebo effect. Two other people in my office have taken Addirol, and both have exhibited quick behavioral turnarounds when on it. The colleague who actually has ADHD also exhibits a quick turnaround when he's off of it; he is actually the one who made me realize who serious an ADHD problem can get, when he had to send himself home from work after forgetting to take his morning pill.
5:00pm -
I head off to my voice lesson, and I am excited at how much I got done in a mere two hours. On a typical day, if something kept me away from the office for more than half the day, I'd worry so much about prioritizing my tasks for the rest of the day that I'd never get to any of them. Today, however, I started to dig in to old emails that have gone long unanswered (yes folks from the last few conferences, this means I'm finally going to get back to you), and not worrying about the fact that each one generally added something to my to-do list instead of removing it.
I also returned all the client phone calls that had come in during the day and dealt with a quick turnaround on a request for changes in a project before leaving. The "old me" would have, despite my pride in my work, probably figured out which things could have been held off until Friday, and then worried about the long "to do" list left undone at the end of the day.
Thank goodness for Twitter, as I really wanted to blog about all this as it was happening, but I don't want all my valuable concentrating time put into blogging. On the other hand, I do want to make myself blog every day, so I am hoping I can work it in between tasks. If the first couple of hours of Addirol were any indicator, this is a possibility.
Not only did I manage to multitask without stressing out about it, but I also managed to block out all the distractions of my office. This is when I knew the Addirol was really working and that it wasn't just a placebo. Usually in the late afternoons when people start talking and watching cartoons and playing music in the office, I immediately start to worry that people aren't working, and I end up in a bad mood. I managed to just chuckle when I heard something funny from the next room, and to enjoy the music someone was playing, and to not at all feel like their noise was distracting me from my work, or their own work. It seemed like my reactions to everything that bothers me were dulled, but the thing I was trying to focus on stayed in focus throughout, even with interruptions.
6:30pm-
At my voice lesson, I think I was a little manic. I kept being a step ahead of my voice teacher's requests, anticipating the next exercise. Despite that, it was a good lesson. She tries to get me to move around more when I sing, to be looser, and I felt so hyper (more excitement than amphetamine based I think) that I bounced around the whole time. But, she also said I did some of my best singing yet. I'm not saying that the Addirol helped with the actual singing, but it did help me to concentrate on what she was telling me to do differently with my body.
8:00pm-
Went to the gym and ran for a half hour. I was pretty good about not looking at the time every 30 seconds, as I so often do. I just went with it. And I sweated a lot more than usual. This may have been the Addirol side effect I'd been warned about, or maybe it was just that I for once got caught up in the rhythm of my running. Either way, it felt pretty good when I was done.
11:30pm-
Just came home from an evening with friends. It was an odd feeling to have my concentration slip away gradually over the course of a couple of hours. Some people report an "Addirol crash", but I seem to be lucky and come down easy from it. Still, I was acutely aware of having to stop myself from interrupting my boyfriend or playing idly with my Centro, two of my most annoying habits. But, there is something to be said for being more aware of my behavior.
I am reminded of something a clinically depressed ex-boyfriend from long ago said: "I just don't know how to feel happy." I feel happy much of the time, but what my ex said can apply to any emotion or mental state. In this case, the Addirol seemed to help me to understand how I should be thinking in order to get work done, and then I spent the rest of the evening trying to make sure I applied that same thought process to being social, etc.
My friends had a delicious beer, and I decided that, after all my google research on antibiotics and drinking, one beer two hours after taking an antibiotic was probably OK (I worry about antibiotics almost as much as I used to worry about other drugs, but being good about taking them to prevent infection from the deep scaling I got last week). I felt fine, but then I remembered I was supposed to take my first Mirtazapine, which is supposed to help me sleep. The bottle clearly states that one shouldn't drink while taking this medication. Since I am only taking a small dose at night, I hope that means I can have the occasional early evening beer.
Friday, 1:00am-
I will certainly be watching when I drink versus when I take the Mirtazapine. When we got home at 11:30, I was pleasantly tired, like I haven't been in a long time. I described this feeling to my therapist as "satisfied sleep", being able to drift off knowing that your brain's done its part for the day, and not worrying about fighting to squeeze out one more thought. It's rare for me to get in this mode and stay there; often times I will just suddenly wake up and be unable to get back to sleep. But, Kathy and I figured the Mirtazapine would help this.
The weird thing about Mirtazapine, which had me wondering whether it was a good choice for me, is that at low doses it acts as a sedative (which is what I wanted) and at high doses it acts as an antidepressant (which means you end up being more awake and alert). Since my body seems to change its tolerance so frequently (sometimes I can have one drink, sometimes four, without feeling it; sometimes I am knocked out by allergy meds, and sometimes they have no effect), I worried that this might be tough for me to manage. Kathy suggested that I start with a full dose, and then cut down to half a dose if necessary. She also warned me that I might need to sleep in on the first day, if I'm getting really good sleep.
Well, I need to sleep in, but it's not because I'm getting any good sleep. I keep having mental "twitches". You know those physical twitches, where you're almost asleep and then you spazz out and wake up? Now imagine one of those, but it's ONLY YOUR BRAIN that is spazzing. It felt like my brain actually had a twitchy muscle in the center of it! That freaked me out a bit. I got up and had some water and tried to calm down. I knew I wasn't going to have anything really bad happen to me, but I was also bummed out that after such a great day on Addirol, I'd end up like this. I had dreamed of getting up at 7am, well rested, popping an Addirol and going to work and jamming through the day. Clearly now that wasn't going to happen.
Surprisingly, the cool air of the living room, and the white noise from the big air conditioner, helped to calm me down, so I ended up falling asleep without turning on the TV or reading my book.
Friday, 6:00am -
Woke up and headed down to bed to get in another couple of hours. Fell asleep pretty quickly and slept well, even when Andrew got up to use the bathroom, which usually gets me up. Got up when Andrew's alarm went off at 8:30. Tonight I will try a half dose of the Mirtazapine to see if it is any more effective. Since I don't have any major plans tomorrow except to finish writing an article, I can always sleep in if it's problematic. But, Mirtazapine, you only get two strikes and you're out!
